Bird Humour

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

This page includes some (mostly awful) bird jokes – many from correspondence on an old UK birding mailing list a decade ago. Not wanting to take responsibility I have included the names and e-dresses of the perpetrators – mail them not me! I am always happy to add more should you care to send them to me.

In addition there are some links to websites full of birding humour, ranging from cartoons to silly stories. There are some great u-tube spoofs & send-ups too. Enjoy!

Budgies A man went into a pet shop and asked for a blue budgerigar, the owner said he was sorry but they only had green ones. “I want a blue one” the customer keeps on insisting. So to get him out of the shop the owner packs up a green budgie, and tells him it’s blue. On unpacking the bird at home the customer discovers that his blue budgie is green, and goes back to the shop for an exchange.

At the shop the owner tells him once again that he only has green budgies. “Never mind,” says the man “I’ll paint it.” “You can’t do that it will kill it” says the owner.

Next day the customer comes back complaining that his budgie is dead. I told you the paint would kill it says the owner. To which he gets the reply… “It wasn’t the paint that killed it, but the blowlamp” Submitted by: Ken Herman

Parrots A parrot walks into a bar and asks for a scotch on the rocks, after knocking back the drink, he ask for the same again. This is also downed in one gulp, and he points his wing at the empty glass. This time the barman ask for some payment, to which the parrot replies – put it on my bill :-)) eric wydenbach 

New Bird Found A new species of owl has been discovered in America. The bird, which has an unusual scarlet colouration was discovered on the dock of the bay in San Francisco. The common name has yet to be decided upon, but the scientific name for this previously undiscovered species is Otus Redding.

…another singer Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer in an hour and a half?

A. Put it in the oven until it’s Bill Withers. From Mike Jones, PSF, RAF Akrotiri, BFPO 57

…not the chicken joke! One fine day a chicken walked into a library and said BUCK (book); so the librarian gave the chicken a book. The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK, so the librarian gave the bird two books. The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK BUCK, so this time the librarian gave it three books. However the curiosity of the librarian was now aroused and so followed the chicken to see what such a bird wanted with three books. As he saw the chicken come to a stop at the edge of a pond, he saw the chicken pass all three books to a frog, who, while he was looking at them was saying, REDDIT, REDDIT, REDDIT. That`s all ffffffffolks. From Mike Jones, PSF, RAF Akrotiri, BFPO 57

Cartoon Lying in a double bed was a chicken, smoking a large cigar and looking extremely pleased with itself, and an egg which looked very disappointed. The caption was “Well, I guess that we’ve answered that question!”

Q: What did the owl say when the sparrow farted?

A: Nothing, he didn’t give a hoot.

Myna Meal A man who was much devoted to his mother took a world cruise. Somewhere in Asia, he saw a well-trained Myna that had a vocabulary of hundreds of words. He bought the bird and sent it to his mother. A few days later, he phoned her and asked, Mom, how did you like the bird? It was delicious, she said.

Mom! he exclaimed, How could you! That bird could speak seven languages! So why didn’t he say something? she retorted.

Don’t blame Fatbirder – this joke was submitted by: Dan Lindsay

Two really awful old chestnuts follow – from Ronald Bartlett  both were sent to me Christmas Eve 2001 so I took pity on the man…

Q What is the difference between a poor rifleman and a constipated owl?

A  A poor rifleman shoots and can’t hit, an owl hoots but…

A farmer buys a new cockerel, it races around servicing the hens. It seems insatiable. The next day the farmer sees it hop over the fence and start on the ducks and geese. The day after it services all the turkeys and so it goes on. A week later the farmer finds it lying in the middle of the yard apparently dead. He walks over to it, and the cock winks at the farmer. He asks the cock what its doing and it puts one wing to his lips and points into the sky and says – Shush, I’m waiting for those vultures to land!

Three here submitted by Alf Mullins  – so blame him for your groans – not me!

Q  What do you get if you cross a trainspotter with a twitcher?

A  Anoraksia nervosa

Q Why aren’t there any pain-killers in the jungle?

A Because the parrots eat `em allDefinition of a polymath – someone who learned his multiplication tables parrot fashion.

Q  Why don’t tawny owls mate in the rain?

A Because its too wet to woo… really Alf Mullins – how corny can you get??

Gone Birding A man is hauled up before a court of law for the crime of killing a protected bird. “Why did you eat the Golden Oriole?” asked the judge?

“Well, its like this” said the bedraggled looking defendant, “I lost my job six months ago, my wife ran off with another man and my children have disowned me. Ive been too depressed to work, so when I saw this bird I just acted on reflex. I didn’t know it was a rare bird!”

“Well,” said the judge, “I’ll take pity on you and spare you this time if you will tell me just one thing: what did it taste like?”

“Actually”, replied the man, “it tasted just like a Dartford Warbler” – blame Irvin Allen…

Q  What’s invisible and smells of worms?

A A sparrow’s fart!

Blame ‘Jo-anne’ from Canada for this – although she blames an Aussie friend of hers!

Confession I once baked a loaf of bread containing cannabis, and I went to the beach where I fed it to the seabirds. I left no tern unstoned! Doh!

Tom, from Sydney, Down Under, supplied this risque gem:

The Birds & Bees The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher “…are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up ‘cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.”

John Parkin has just told me about an exciting new book, sure to make the best seller’s list. He says it’s all about the identification of winter plumage gulls… its called…

‘Fifty Shades of Grey”.